life isn't worth living without you
by MessedUpForever
Summary: "I kissed someone tonight." Aaron's words echoed through the room. My hands clammed up, my pulse was racing. I couldn't breathe. This was it. Aaron was going to leave me.


"I kissed someone tonight." Aaron's words echoed through the room. My hands clammed up, my pulse was racing. I couldn't breathe. This was it. Aaron was going to leave me.

"Robert." Aaron's voice broke the thoughts that were racing through my head.

"Did you hear what I just - "

"Yes." I interrupted. Of course I heard.

I wanted to ask him why. Why did he do this? How could he do this? We were ok, weren't we? We sorted things. He told me he loved me, he told me he'd support me, he'd help me with the baby. He told me he forgave me.

I could feel his eyes burning into me. He was waiting, waiting for me to react. To shout, to cry. To do something, to say something. I couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't. I wanted to shout, I wanted to ask him 'How could you do this?' but I couldn't, could I? Not after everything I'd done.

I finally looked at him. "Okay." My voice croaked. I saw his brow furrow, I could tell he was confused. That wasn't what he expected me to say.

"It's fine, it's ok. I forgive you." The words came rushing out. He was about to say something but I couldn't let him, I didn't want him to say something I couldn't deal with hearing. I walked over to him and took his face in my hands.

"We can, we can move on from this. I understand, I hurt you, and you... I don't know, maybe you wanted to hurt me back. So it's okay. It's done now, everything's going to be fine, we... we're going to be fine." I had to make him see. I had to make him see that we could get through this. We had to get through this, losing him wasn't an option. I looked into his eyes.

"Aaron," I whispered. "We're going to be fine."

He squeezed his eyes shut. I felt my hands fall to my side as he stepped away from me.

"No, Robert." My heart felt like it was about to rip through my chest. I moved to take him in my arms again, I had to make him see that we could move past this. I felt myself frozen to the spot as he took a step back from me.

"Are you hearing what you just said Robert? A marriage isn't supposed to be like this. We're not meant to hurt each other, we're not meant to continuously hurt one another. A marriage is warmth, safety. Fidelity, trust. Not this."

"We do have trust, I promise. You can... you can trust me. I'll prove it to you, just let me prove it to you." Everything came tumbling out, the walls were somehow getting smaller and smaller.

"It was just a kiss, you had been drinking. It was in the heat of the moment, I -"

"Robert!" Aaron yelled.

"He wanted to take me home and do you know what? I thought about it." I shut my eyes and shook my head. I didn't want to hear this, I wasn't strong enough to hear this.

"His name was Thomas. He was watching me all night, he caught my eye a few times. He smiled at me, I smiled back and he came on over. He asked me if I fancied a drink."

I wanted him to stop. I needed hm to stop talking but I couldn't bring myself to speak.

"He got me a drink, we got chatting. Nothing too interesting but he was funny, he made me laugh. It felt nice, I can't remember the last time we laughed like that." He looked at me.

"We played pool most of the night, and it was nice. It was nice to have someone's full attention. It was nice to feel wanted." I want him. Why couldn't he see that?

He continued to speak. "Our hands brushed as he passed me the cue and neither of us made a move to pull away. Then he gripped my waist. He told me I had beautiful eyes. Then he leant in and we kissed."

I felt this bile rise in my throat. I wanted to scream at him to stop, but there was this voice in my head telling me I deserved this. I deserved to feel this pain.

"I thought about pushing him away," Aaron said. "I thought about how much it would hurt ya, but then something snapped inside of my head and all I could picture was you with her." He spat out.

"So I gripped his waist and I kissed him back." His words were like venom.

I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the thought of _my_ husband. _My_ Aaron, kissing somebody else.

"I pulled away eventually and he smiled at me. He was good looking, the first thing I noticed about him were his eyes. They were the same colour as yours." He looked at me for a moment, with a sad smile on his face.

"He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place. I thought about it, I really did. I thought about pinning him to the bed and losing myself in him. I thought about coming back here and telling you all about it. Every little detail. Telling you how I fucked him so hard he was begging me, screaming my name. A part of me wanted to hurt you. Really fucking hurt you. I wanted you to feel just a little bit of how I'm feeling."

"So why didn't you?" I finally manage to push out.

He just looked at me and sighed. "Because for some fucking reason, I love you. I love you too much to hurt you."

My heart sped up, I felt a tiny glimpse of hope. Maybe we'll be ok. "That's ok, then." I took a step closer to him. "I love you, too. God, Aaron, I love you so fucking much. We can start again, just..." I rested my forehead against his and looked into his eyes.

"No," he whispered. My stomach drop.

"I can't do this anymore, Robert. I love you, but I can't sit back and watch you have a baby with someone else." tears began to fall from his eyes.

"I won't see it. I won't, and if I see Rebecca I won't even look at her, I'll - I'll walk the other way. I'll do anything, Aaron, please."

"I can't, Robert. I can't. I'm sorry." I looked to the floor.

"You told me you forgave me." I whispered.

"I do." he said shakily. "I do forgive you, Robert, and I thought I could deal with it, you know. Co-parenting the baby with you and Rebecca, but I can't. I can't do it. I don't want to lose you but I can't take a father away from their child. and you, you'd end up resenting me for it, Robert."

"I won't! I promise I won't. Aaron, I don't even want this baby!"

"You don't know that for sure. You don't know how you're gonna feel when the baby is here. We've been so focused on tryna make this work, that we've pushed away how we've really been feeling. You can't even tell me how you're feeling because you don't want to upset me. You were so focused on not losing me that you haven't allowed yourself to think about this baby, Robert. But being a dad is a massive thing. You might bond with it."

"I won't!" I force him to look me in the eye. "You, me and Liv, that. That is all I want. All I will ever want. Aaron, please. Please just don't leave me."

He wiped his eyes and looked down at his hand. My heart stopped. Everything came to a stop as he slowly began to slide off his ring. He took my hand.

"I'm not saying that it'll be forever, Robert. I just think we need space, we need to learn how to live without each other. We need to figure out what we both want, work out if this is worth fighting for." He stroked my cheek and with one final look he began to walk away.

I gripped his hand

"Aaron, don't do this, please. Please don't do this, please don't go. This is everything, you, you are everything! I can't do any of this without you. Nothing is worth it without you."

He looked at me with a sad smile. He leaned in and kissed me. I let my hands find his waist and I pulled him closer to me, tightening my grip. He slowly pulled away and placed his ring in my hand.

"I do love you, Robert." placing a final kiss on my forehead, he turned and headed towards the door.

I wanted to cling to his legs, and beg him to stay.

"Aaron..." I choked out.

His hand stopped on the door-handle and he turned to look at me.

"Whatever you decide to do, you'd make a brilliant Dad, Robert." with a one final look, he opened the door and left.

I'd finally lost him. I lost my Aaron. The one person that made me a better version of myself. Aaron, the man that allowed me to become the person I wanted to be. The person that that gave me the strength and the courage to finally stop hiding who I was. He gave me the courage to accept who I was. He saw all the worst parts of me and he still loved me regardless.

I felt myself fall to my knees, feeling the weight of his ring in my left hand. I gripped it so hard it made a dent in my skin. I felt empty.

I didn't have the energy to move, to even go to bed. Everything reminded him of Aaron. Aaron, the kindest, most forgiving person I knew. I shut my eyes and allowed sleep to take over. I dreamt of Aaron. Aaron and Liv and our holiday together. My little family, and then I saw his face. My Dad's.

He was right all along. I am just a massive fucking disappointment.


End file.
